I have been fascinated with the responses to my blog about Hailey Glassman. It has sparked so much emotion in many people that I think it is now time to respond.

Most reactions that are so polarizing there are only two forces to contend with: for and against. My question is “What are you for and what are you against?”

Here is the basic information that may help. Kate and Jon represent many things to many people. They stood for something unique and different, sextuplets and twins all in a whirlwind of time. In the beginning they won the hearts of so many of us. An act of fate and there they are with few financial resources and lots of diapers to change.

Their every move was caught on camera and the good times as well as the terrible times were chronicled for all to see.

The sad thing is they were so caught in the eye of the hurricane they did not have an opportunity to come up for air. As the years and the stress continued someone in an objective place, a producer for the show, a parent, someone should have realized they were in a form of post-traumatic stress and suggested some help.

By the time I entered the picture Jon and Kate were an accident just ready to happen. Now, they are clearing up the ravages of the devastation that divorce brings. It is a slow process. It takes new perspectives about life and love, letting go, accepting, forgiving, and a new phase of adult responsibility.

I believe many of you who are responding to the blog are also searching for answers of your own about what really matters in life. Sure, we all wish that Kate and Jon could have given us the picture perfect story about “and they lived happily ever after with their eight beautiful children.”

In my book “Don’t Bring It to Work”, I talk about the behavior patterns formed in childhood that we bring into all other relationships in our lives and how to transform the patterns that get in the way of happiness and success. If only one or two of you can stop for just a minute and look at why you are so super-charged about Jon and Kate Gosselin and begin to look into your own inner selves, then what I wrote is worth it. If it is only a forum for bashing them and each other then it has served no purpose.

 I will respond to some of the comments about Hailey being an adult and what do her parents have to do with anything. It may help put a new perspective on what we all need to know and do in our personal relating.

Westward Ho! To California with personal items we accumulated living in Santa Fe for almost 20 years. Up till now the U-Haul had been chugging along just fine. We were packed up and ready. San Francisco, here we come.

Now, let me describe Herb. He is a macho type man with a gentle side. He is almost always seeing the “pony in the manure pile”. He is someone who can organize just about anything. He gets projects ready and done on time.

So when I got ready to climb in the truck of the van and heard him say “Not yet” I figured we had a flat tire. Nope, instead Herb was railing against a little lock and key that secure the back doors the rather filled vehicle.

I watched with curiosity as he talked to the key, cajoling, romancing, and requesting it open the lock stuck without the safety latch on.

Now, it really does take a lot to get Herb overtly frustrated and angry. Trust me; I have to put extra energy out to convince him he should be furious about something, well, just because I am.

Also, he loves puzzles, so any situation that requires a challenge; that’s his cup of tea. When he turned to me and said “I’ve run out of ideas. The lock is stuck, it’s Labor Day and we’ll be hard pressed to find a locksmith open”. I made some suggestions; already tried.

Then Herb got angry, average for most, for him, over the top. He stormed around the parking lot. Got mad at Labor Day and the kind of help he needed not easily available. Got mad at himself for even thinking he needed help. It was like watching a pitcher winding up to throw the speed ball to strike out the last guy.

He went over, looked at the lock and, if the lock had a jaw, that was where he was headed. Hit the lock, said “ouch” to his hand and then we stood miraculously watch the lock unlock. Yes, it did. It just flipped open.

Have no idea of the physics of the situation. All I know is that sometimes stamping your feet and giving into frustration can move things forward. Now, there is a middle ground of anger that works, the extremes are where crises and unresolved conflicts lie.

So, give yourself permission to vent; you may just unlock some annoyance and move forward on your journey even faster!

A Woman Scorned

I was just informed that Hailey Glassman is proposing to write a book about all the “dirt” from the Gosselin drama. All I can say is “Enough “ and “Where are her parents”?

Hailey is a tragic figure in her own right. No finished education, no real skills, no passion for anything more than vendettas. I simply wonder why she has not moved on in her life? What is holding her “stuck” in continuing to pull of the scab of her minor and short lived relationship?

There are so many class acts on center stage right now, women who have much pain and humiliation that whatever Hailey thinks she experienced. Thank you goes to Sandra Bullock who had the bitter with the better learning of her then husband’s transgressions on the hem of her academy award celebration. Thank you goes to ElinNordegren Woosd who had a marriage plastered on every paper in the world.

Whether you think Hilary Clinton should have stayed with Bill or not, she kept her pain private and they worked out whatever they did as a married couple.

I could go on and on. We are in such a crossroads era in examining close relationships. What is needed now is a deeper understanding of the how and the why relationships get so tangled.

I have begun sorting through my notes from years of sitting with couples, families, and individuals to make as much sense out of intimacy and betrayal as I can. No one has all the answers. I am going to put my thoughts together in a book with a working title of “Don’t Bring It to Life: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Intimacy”. It will be the second in a series of what to look for and what to do to change behavior patterns that do not serve you, this book about love and family.

Back to Hailey; I am saddened she is still striving for her few minutes of vacuous fame. It’s a statement of the shallowness of our present day culture that anything she has to say gets headlines anywhere, anytime.  Why would anyone, even the tabloids be willing to print her silliness and who knows, even pay her?

If she were my daughter we would have a heart to heart about values, ethics, and getting a life. I hope her parents have that opportunity soon.

Many of you may know that Jon Gosselin is in our “Total Leadership Connections” program and he, along with the other participants is peeling away the encrusted layers of old hurts, old betrayal, and old beliefs.

The process of becoming a leader is a rigorous one. He has had to face his demons and slay a few dragons on the way to self-awareness.  This has been made more complex every time there is another gossipy tidbit on sites such as Radar-Online.

When Jon first started our TLC (please don’t confuse it with the reality TV programming) he was very careful, translate that mistrustful. Who, he said to me privately, who will see the glitz and glitter of being able to “tell” about him and get their 15 minutes of fame? No one in the group has ever even thought about betraying him and “spilling guts for glory” the way poor Hailey Glassman is prone to do.

As the sessions continued, (the group meets for four sessions, every other month), Jon became more willing to share himself from his heart; to talk about his misgivings about his children’s lives being filmed whether they wanted this or not. He became clear, especially in session three where there is important teaching about systems’ thinking, those connections between the past and present impact and have consequences for the future in deep, powerful ways.

 He talked about his concern, that his children will go along with whatever their parents want, for now. Yet, when they become teens and begin the vital individuation process, when they become young adults out in the world, how will they feel about the amount of exposure that all sorts of people have to their personal lives?

Jon is digging deeply into areas not formerly explored, about ethics, responsibility, and what it means to be a man, a father, an advocate for what is good and right. He admits he has made mistakes, some in the glare of the public eye, and that he has purposefully remained quiet, in the background as he has come to know himself better.

It would be a better world if all of us took time to become self-aware, to explore the patterns that have kept us stuck in poor behavior at the expense of our own health and creativity. The sadness of our celebrity driven culture, of reality shows, is that the tools for growth and transformation are sold out for ratings. What a waste of air time.

At least Jon is rethinking his “victim” pattern, his “avoider” pattern and is willing to find new, more positive ways to relate to the world, and hopefully, even make a difference.

The following article about judgment is excellent. Take the time to read along with my response. In the meantime I am checking every moment, every conversation to make sure I am not denying the truth that sites at the heart  each and every conversation.  

Does Better Judgment Come with Age?

(Larry Prusak, Brook Manville, and I are at work on a book on judgment and how to cultivate it as an organizational, not just individual, strength. Over the next few months, we’ll each be authoring posts in this blog to test-drive ideas and invite input as the research progresses.)

I’ve been mulling over a column by The Wall Street Journal’s Peggy Noonan since it came out last month. Entitled Youth Has Outlived Its Usefulness, it was about good judgment, and who has it. The premise of the piece, ever so gently chiding our current President, was that our nation is in bad need of wise policy, and isn’t likely to get it from youthful politicians.

What is needed, Ms. Noonan suggests, is more “adult supervision,” a phrase she uses jokingly and yet with deep conviction. She worries that the Obama administration lacks for experienced, elder counselors — or, in her words, “old and august … wise and weathered … bruised and battered veterans of life who’ve absorbed its facts and lived to tell the tale.”

The article’s nostalgic yearnings for the likes of a Harold MacMillan (the wizened Prime Minister who guided the young Jack Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis) aren’t limited to the political sphere. Noonan goes on to lament the lack of grey hair in the ranks of hospital administrators, publishing enterprises, and other important public and commercial institutions.

As someone who spends some of his professional time providing executive coaching for younger men and women, I have no interest in denying the value that an old hand can provide to a less experienced leader. And I don’t worry about the concern sometimes expressed that a young leader might become overly reliant on a Rasputin-like elder — too callow or lazy to exercise independent thought. But I wonder if by casting the critical feature of a “trusted advisor” as age, or even long experience, we run the danger of mistaking what truly valuable advisors bring to the table.

Even Noonan acknowledges that older, more experienced men in advisory roles haven’t always resulted in good judgment. In the Vietnam era, the United States was led into one disastrous military and political decision after another by such counselors (as chronicled in the film The Fog of War. Noonan, gracefully backpedalling in mid-argument, notes that while it is wrong to conclude that we should “Never listen to wise men,” we should have learned: “Wise men can be wrong, listen close and weigh all data.”

Yes, exactly. Building good judgment in an organization is not as simple as giving our youngest leaders silver-haired counselors. It’s the result of drawing on a much broader base of learning for all decisions — from people up, down, and sideways in the organization; from people outside the organization, including customers, competitors, rivals, and partners; and from other sources of data. And therefore, it’s a question of developing cultures and processes that enable that kind of multi-dimensional learning and allow collective wisdom to emerge.

Old paired with young is a combination that often yields better judgment because it is at least one form of diversity introduced into a leader’s deliberations. But why stop there? The executive or manager who relies too much on a single or small group of advisors ignores the wider diversity of opinion that can shape a better decision. This is particularly true considering the “echo-chamber effect” we have all seen some leaders fall prey to, where advisors are (however unconsciously) selected and endorsed because they already share the same worldview and are likely to go along with the gut reactions of the man or woman holding the power. If the advice put forward has the additional sheen of elder year experience, it may be all the more possible to believe that the “second opinion” is in fact an authoritative reinforcement of what was already decided.

Beware the wise elder. It’s not that he or she can’t offer good advice. It’s just that such experience can sometimes become a false and dangerous substitute for the breadth and diversity of opinion, combined with analytical rigor and shared problem-solving, that together make for great organizational judgment.

Brook Manville consults to socially-minded enterprises on matters of strategy and organizational development. He is author (with Josiah Ober) of A Company of Citizens: What the World’s First Democracy Teaches Leaders About Creating Great Organizations.

Storytelling

We all know that the best way to get a point across it through a story and real, honest emotions. I have been getting lots of questions about the book that Jon Gosselin and I are writing together.

Some want the “dirt”, others want the roadmap of how Jon managed the early years with eight little ones. Yet, others want to know what being in the glare of celebrity has done to him.

Let me say the book will have a bit of all of that. If a journey story is to have any merit the key ingredient is the truth, told in a disciplined and art-filled manner. This book will have that. Will it discuss his relationship with Kate? How can he do a book about the lessons he is learning in life, and be someone who can help others think about their own lives without talking about a ten year marriage and lots of kids all at once.

Will the book be an expose? That depends on what you think an expose means. It will not be a finger-pointing tome about the big, bad gorillas in television land. Will he talk about how reality TV has impacted his life and the lives of his children? Of course it will.

Let me add, the book will also touch on the important lessons we all have put right smack in front of us as we grow. It will talk about how to pay attention to the lessons and how to learn them so you don’t have to keep repeating a grade year after year.

Jon is willing to talk about what really matters to him and how the sudden thrust into the limelight of the media has made such a major impact on a life that did not begin with the dream of being on the cover of magazines.

The hope is that everyone who has the opportunity to read his book will find a part of their own story in his and gain some insights from his falls from grace and successes to help them courageously tackle some of their own dragons.

Those who resonate with the pleaser pattern, that manner of being where to be liked, accepted, maybe in the “in crowd” means always saying “yes” to what is presented is the blind side of discrimination.

No, I don’t mean discrimination as in the black-white issue, or the Israeli-Palestinian issue, I mean in the ability to discriminate between what is really healthy and appropriate and what is just going along to make it easy.

I wonder what the uproar would be if a Neo-Nazi group wanted to put up a meeting place, filled with twisted crosses and photos of Hitler next door to Auschwitz. You bet there would be controversy.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for controversy that leads to dialogue, the route that begins with thesis (theme) antithesis (counter theme) and synthesis (new perspective). Yet, in our polarized world we tend to go to polar opposites and stay there.

Surely there are a zillion places to put a mosque. Why the need to rub it in the eyes of those who lost loved ones on September 11, or the millions of us who grieved along with the families and the firefighters and police who did such a heroic job.

There is freedom of speech and there is honoring the sensitivities of others. Which is more vital for positive and open communication? We can all see this as a lesson in leadership development.

Let’s begin a real dialogue and help each other grow. I would love to hear from anyone who would be willing to share their perspective on this blog. It’s about you, it’s about me, and it’s about time.

Mosque controversy showcases failure to lead American public to understanding

Douglas A. Hicks is professor of Leadership Studies and Religion at the Jepson School of Leadership Studies and Religion of the University of Richmond and author of With God on All Sides: Leadership in a Devout and Diverse America.(Oxford Press, 2009)

A religious minority’s mysterious rituals and seemingly un-American practices threaten civic order. The group’s proposed building project is derided as a “national menace” in a publication.

The headlines are not from 2010, but 1951. The building project not the proposed Islamic cultural center and mosque near Ground Zero but Catholic schools.

I was not alive in the 1950s and thus did not experience the anxieties of the early Cold War. But along with the readers of these paragraphs, I do recall the horrors of Sept. 11, 2001. However rational we attempt to be, individually and collectively, in our analyses of the current situation, the shadows of the Twin Towers (and the Pentagon) continue to affect–to darken–our vision.

Leadership is, among other things, about framing issues for public understanding. The proposed Islamic center strikes at the very question of who is in part of the American community. For instance, local Muslim congregations helped support first responders on 9/11 with relief efforts. And people of all faiths — and no faiths died that day. (So did citizens of some 60 other countries.) Yet in the rage against extremists who claim to speak for all of Islam, it has been easy for non-Muslim Americans to exclude Muslims from their narrative of who gets included in the American “we.”

Thus the label “Mosque at Ground Zero” seems to fit the story. The debate over the Islamic cultural center is largely about the power of symbols and who is framing the symbolic message. The leaders of the project intended to build bridges, but before they have raised even a dollar, it appears that their detractors have succeeded in tearing down the foundations. The project’s leaders, particularly Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, have failed to communicate the vision to the public. The coming days will tell whether it is possible to recapture the message.

The proposed Park51 project is modeled as a community center along the lines of a Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA) or a Jewish Community Center (JCC)–an American form of civic space with ties to 19th and 20th century social reform and urban development. In this sense, it could not be more American in spirit. But is the project over-burdened with the symbolism of 9/11? Have the project’s leaders been under-prepared for the kind of opposition they have received?

Abdul Rauf, a prominent Muslim American, has remained largely silent. He is traveling abroad on a trip long ago arranged and supported by the U.S. State Department. Abdul Rauf has served both the Bush and Obama administrations’ public diplomacy efforts in the Muslim world. He joins a few dozen scholars and religious leaders who travel abroad as part of our non-military outreach to build bridges of cross-cultural understanding and mutual respect.

There is much irony in all of this. The very fact that he is in the Middle East becomes evidence, for his critics, that he is cavorting with terrorists. Does it not matter that he is on a U.S.-government-sponsored public diplomacy mission? At the same time, Franklin Graham and others criticize him and the U.S. government alike on the grounds that taxpayers shouldn’t pay for religious leaders’ travel. The even greater irony, of course, is that Abdul Rauf is serving as a spokesman for U.S. religious liberty abroad while being portrayed by many in the United States as a shadowy supporter of radicals.

A key leadership question at this point is how to move forward. Can the ironies be captured here and can the powerful symbols be reframed for a positive outcome?

In my judgment there are constructive ways to move forward. There are two levels on which to answer the question–the symbolic and the practical. The first centers on capturing the symbols that are at the heart of American values–and this story is so gripping because all sides seem to agree that the story captures the national ethos. The second level focuses on building some broad coalitions and strategic means for communicating those coalitions to the American public.

From my vantage-point in Richmond, Virginia, I begin the symbolic answer with Thomas Jefferson and the Virginia Statute of Religious Freedom–the precursor document to the First Amendment. Jefferson argued that the Virginia Delegates who legislated religious liberty “meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mohometan, the Hindoo, and Infidel of every denomination.” That is, although the fights in 1786 in the Commonwealth were largely among Anglicans, Baptists, and Presbyterians (with Catholics and Quakers more involved in other American colonies), Virginia’s legislators had a much broader vision–Jefferson called it universal–of America’s religious horizons.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg, in his Aug. 3 speech on Governors Island, cited a more local New York case, the Flushing Remonstrance of 1657, a statement of non-Quakers declaring the right of Quakers and others to practice their faith freely in this country. Bloomberg’s was a powerfully symbolic speech, delivered against the backdrop of the with the Statue of Liberty.

The proponents of the Islamic center should not cede the symbolic terrain to its detractors. The “sacredness” of the World Trade Center intensifies the symbolic power, but the desire of Muslim Americans and their neighbors respectfully and peaceably to interact in a community center–from playing basketball to hearing concerts to worshiping God–is about as American as it gets.

On the practical level, Imam Abdul Rauf and Daisy Khan face a mountain of work to recapture their message. They need to tell their stories to the American people. Just as important, they need coalition partners and allies. Yesterday was a beginning–perhaps a prologue to what could become a coalition campaign. On the ABC News program “This Week” with Christiane Amanpour, Daisy Khan appeared with Rabbi Joy Levitt of the Jewish Community Center in Manhattan.

Daisy Khan stated that the leaders of Cordoba House/ Park51 project meet with the major stakeholders in New York City in the coming weeks. She stated that she, her husband, and other leaders of the project will remain bridge-builders and that the project will move forward. And to state the obvious, Abdul Rauf needs to get back from the Middle East and huddle with his leadership team–and then their coalition partners and supporters–in New York. And while their communications should reflect–not drive–their vision, their information buried on the “FAQ” page of the Cordoba Initiative Web site should become the core of their outreach plan.

It is time for leaders of Jewish, Christian, and non-profit organizations in particular to step forward as coalition partners with the Cordoba Initiative. I have written elsewhere about the difficulties caused by minority religious leaders fighting with each other in public and refusing to support each other’s civic initiatives. It can get ugly: The Anti-Defamation League’s public criticism of the project was a serious hit as this story gained momentum in recent weeks. The leaders of the project, with willing collaborators, also need to work beyond the media spotlight to work on the mundane details of a community center.

 

 

My Comment to the article:

Perhaps with all the present day litany of polarized debates we will find the needles in haystacks, needles of integrity and an ability to start dialogues for new solutions to old problems. In the mosque situation everyone is right! And everyone is wrong! The point is that we are sorely in need of dialogue to dig deeper,into the fears and prejudices that make us see “the other” as the enemy. My blog, “on the leading edge of change” at www.sylvialafair.com is an attempt to encourage dialogue. Our patterns of communicating are old and stale. We need to talk and listen before we need a mosque, or synagogue, or church.

Stress O Meter

Stress and change are the most intimate of bedfellows. They feed on each other and can make days dark and depressing or exhilarating and enticing. We get to choose. But before we can choose, we need to peel back the layers and understand why change is such a complex force and how simple responses with one word can make all the difference..

In our leadership development program, “Total Leadership Connections” we talk about the power of language. What we say, how we say it, the tonality of one’s voice all play a part in how we get our points across. It’s really simple, the better you are understood and your wants and needs are met, the lower the stress-o-meter.

Two of the most basic words in our vocabulary, ones that start our language motor when we are infants can induce or diminish stress quickly and easily. Let’s start with “no”.

1. No belongs first and foremost to the terrible twos. It is primal, often among the first words that children from English speaking families practice with. And at its heart it means something like “I will decide” or “these are my boundaries” or “now I can get my own food so I won’t be beholden to anyone”.

No is a step into individuation. It is a word that forces us to discriminate. And when we are clear and say “no” and mean it stress is lowered. The pleaser has a tough time with the word “No” and often back pedals when they dare use this word as a grown up.

No is a complete sentence! When you have done your homework, made your decision and are clear that “No, this will not work for you” and you are comfortable with your choice almost all people will accept what you have said and paradoxically, their stress is also diminished. It sounds like “Ah, at least there is a decision.”

2. Then there is the happy word, yes. It sounds lighter and friendlier. It is a word that is thought to connect people, make situations happen. Yet, yes without honesty is an ugly thing. Pleasers and martyrs get lost in the yes. Martyrs who say yes, and they do this a lot, want to extract something from you. They may ask for your first born child, or the new car you just bought. They may want a raise or super bonus based on how many times they say yes throughout the year. And pleasers so often just keep plugging along with their smiley yes, however the quality of work suffers from exhaustion.

The third part of the language triangle will be discussed tomorrow with an exercise (majorly simple) that will help you practice safe stress and keep it in the zone. In the meantime, if you have not taken the pattern aware quiz, do so at www.sylvialafair.com  and see which patterns are the ones that keep you stressed and sleepless. And, by the way, know that the test is free and that you can call for a consultation at no charge.

We are determined to do our part, to make this a “safe stress” country and then we all win!

Winning Workplace

Just arrived back from California and felt so proud and honored to be with the folks who are at “control central” at CEO. Everyone is busy buzzing along with tasks and projects and a piece that is in short supply in most companies, fun.

Being away these past several weeks gave me time to take a deep breath and review what matters for me in the workplace, what I need to continue to teach in leadership development seminars, what I value in my life.

I have learned a vital lesson about how systems work in the past few months. One bad apple can spoil a lot of apple sauce. Another way to look at it, if you think one person can’t really cause havoc just look at a traffic tie up from one car running out of gas on a freeway.

Our staff is collaborative and creative. In the past, however, there was an employee who stood in the way of a winning workplace. His fear was of being overshadowed and there was subtle, yet real sabotage taking place.

Now, I like to think of myself as schooled in workplace conflict resolution, in workplace relationships, in coaching and consulting. For crying out loud, I even wrote an award winning book on the subject.

Yet, with this employee I was an avoider, a denier, a pleaser, a victim. Even as I write this I get a knot in my gut. How could I have been so myopic? I even had doubts that I should be in a position to coach and council others.

This employee was in a position of responsibility and had a hand in the hiring process. He seemed to be kind and competent. Yet, he had a habit of blaming mistakes on others. You know the type; available, eager, willing, adaptable. His Achilles heel was the fear that if someone was hired who was ultra talented they would make him look weak, less productive.

While he was here he did his best to outshine the rest, to keep others in a mediocre position. And the end result was there was little real collaboration and cooperation was strained.

Now he is gone. The difference is palpable. There is a freedom of expression that was there before he was hired, and the honesty and camaraderie that are core values for me are back.

I tell this because we are all imperfect. I tell this because I rarely see those in positions of leadership talking about what they have been unable to see clearly. It took me months of self observation and a lot of hand wringing to give myself some slack.

What have I learned, that there are times it is not possible to help someone else grow to the next level. I used to teach that we are only as strong as the weakest link. I stopped because everyone would worry that I was talking about them.

I am back using this as a teaching tool. It is true. And when the weakest link needs to keep others weak, then everyone suffers. I still feel sad for this man, and I must admit I am glad he is not here anymore.

Leaving New Mexico where we have lived for the past eighteen years and going further west was a conscious choice to bring our “Total Leadership Connections” and “PatternAware Programs” to the west coast now that air travel is not so much fun. So, look for these as well as an innovative series for women   to start in the Bay Area beginning in next year.

Driving was a great way to give me time to appreciate the magnificence of our country with its wide expanse of desert coupled with mountain ranges and sprinkled with small towns. It was a time to check in, look back, be in the present, and squint into the future.

One situation made me think about preparation, fear, blame, trust, and exaltation (maybe using that word as a combination of exhaustion and relief). Here is what happened. In case you never drove a U-haul they do certainly gobble up the gas and no light that comes on to say you have fifty miles to go.

No excuse for not paying attention. We were so engrossed in conversation, my husband and I, that suddenly he looked down and said a variation of “Yikes, we need to stop for gas.” That was fine with me; except there was desert as far as the eyes could see.

Cacophonies of emotions were played out. I went into an old pattern as a victim, blaming him for the predicament. Anyone ever play that one out? When anxiety escalates, blame someone else!

Then Herb went into his oldest pattern as an avoider, refusing to discuss the situation or options if we simply stopped cold in the hot desert. He kept saying “I’ll take care of this”. And I wondered what the “this” was he would take care of.

I know I was super glad that we live in a time of cell phones and wondered how long it would take for AAA to find us. I knew we would neither starve to death with all the Whole Foods goodies we had next to us. I knew that even though the temperature goes way down at night in the Mojave Desert it is August and we would be fine.

I started to watch the fear and the stress. I mean watch it like you watch a film. I saw how easy it is to succumb to old, ingrained patterns of behavior and how what we teach is so obvious when stress hits that hot button.

We were truly driving on empty, not just the car; we had gone there in our own selves. Then we began to talk about what the stress was doing to us, to our relationship. Fascinating what happens when there is the time and willingness to deep dive into situations to change them, transform them to their positive opposites.

I became the opposite of the victim, the explorer and started to think of what other ways we could handle the situation in case the car simply stopped and said “feed me”. Herb became the opposite of the avoider, the initiator and led the conversation rather than staying with ignoring the situation.

We talked about how dumb we both felt not checking to see if we were driving on empty. Interesting metaphor for when annoying situations arise and we go to old ways of relating.

And, yup! within minutes of looking at ourselves and what was happening emotionally just like magic a gas station appeared and we were soon on our way again.